My Favorite Day

I love Fridays so much.. Don’t have to worry about what time I go to bed because I can sleep however much I want to the next day. Two whole days before I have to go to school again… love it, love it, love it!

It’s been snowing here for the past three days or so and in some spots it even goes up above your shoes. Bailey absolutely loves it and runs around like a maniac while Xander walks really slow telling me how much he loves the sound of the snow under his feet. I just wander around with them thinking of how much it reminds me of home.. only nicer because it doesn’t end up as high as your knees. Although, it HAS gotten that high in many places of the Netherlands and boy are they not dealing well with it haha it’s really big news here. I’d hate to see how they’d cope if they were dropped in the middle of Canada in the winter.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what the hell I’m going to do here in NL. I’ve been taking these Dutch classes and they are getting quite difficult, which of course triggers my urge to avoid it like the plague. I’m not sure what causes me to do that. Fear of failing perhaps, laziness most probably. a mixture of a lot of different things I guess. I really want to finish this though and I want to do well at it because I know in part that my happiness here depends on it. I’ve made such a habit of giving up on everything, which is bad. I’ve been to two different Dutch courses before this one and quit them both, as well as the only job I’ve ever had here but that really was completely shit.

The problem is that I have no direction. I know that no matter what I chose to do in life, Xander would support me in every way he could. He’d stand beside me and help me with whatever I wanted to do. The problem is that I don’t know what I want to do and that is so incredibly frustrating. There are some things I think I’d like to do but I don’t want to start something else that I won’t finish. I did that when I went to university after high school, going because that’s just what I was supposed to do, even though I had no idea what I wanted. I want to figure out what I really want and then go for it. I’m almost 30 years old, I should know by now what I want to be, what I want for a career or where my real talents lie. I don’t though, I have absolutely no idea at all.. not even a hint. I’m completely without direction or motivation and it’s a horrible feeling.

People have told me things over the years. When I was in my final year of high school we all had to do these interviews with our guidance councellor. I knew mine pretty well as I’d done a few things together with her while I was there. When it came to my turn she told me that I have a lot of personality and she could see me having my own talk show one day. How realistic is that for a girl who lives in a small town on a small island on the east coast of Canada? Not really. Other than that she really had no idea what kind of profession would suit me. I really sort of hoped she’d be able to tell me because I was at a loss myself.

When I was a teenager I took some art classes. I did some painting, sculpting, drawing and all that artsy stuff. I liked it and people told me I had talent but it was a hobby, certainly not something I could make a career of. Plus, I didn’t really have an artistic imagination. I could paint sceneries from postcards or pictures but I could never think of something in my mind to create a painting from.

People have told me I should be a writer. My mother tells me I should “submit stories”, friends have told me I should “write a book”. These don’t seem like something someone just does though. What on earth would I write about? Me? My life? My interests? Sure some people read about all that here, but would anyone actually pay me for my thoughts?

Of course I would love to be a mother. I think about it all the time and can’t wait to start a family. The thing is though, once the kids are grown and in school.. what do I do then? I’m certainly not going to keep breeding just to have something to do. I need something besides that.

The only real skills I have is customer service / administrative, which are the areas I could get a job once my Dutch is good enough. I could work doing customer service on the phones or *shudders* in retail again… or I could do data entry and general office work but that’s not what I really want anymore. It’s something you do, not something you are.

I’d love to be something, have a profession that I enjoy… but what!?! Is it possible that I could go through my entire life not knowing what I want to do with it?