Whew, it\u2019s been a while.\u00a0 Every time I post I talk about how I\u2019m going to update more often but then I fall right back into the habit of doing everything via Facebook.\u00a0 Aaah, Facebook!\u00a0 What a love\/hate relationship I have with that site.\u00a0 It keeps me in touch but is also one of the biggest sources of aggravation for me.\u00a0 It\u2019s also killing my blog!\u00a0 Only because I let it, of course, but still\u2026<\/p>\n
So, I think my last post was in May or something.\u00a0 That seems like forever ago, what a year this has been.\u00a0 I\u2019ll try to catch up quickly in all areas. Let\u2019s see.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going to discuss this first because it has had an affect on every other aspect of my life that I plan to discuss.\u00a0 As you all know, the main reason for my weight loss surgery<\/a> back in 2012 was so that I would be eligible for IVF.\u00a0 In the Netherlands it\u2019s fully insured, which is amazing<\/em>, but there are restrictions.\u00a0 You can\u2019t have a BMI above 35 and you can\u2019t be over 40 years of age.\u00a0 Well, 2012 brought me well past the weight goal for IVF, so that was great.\u00a0 I had to wait for a year after surgery before I could try to get pregnant, so in January 2013, it was on.<\/p>\n My doctors wanted to try more IUI<\/a> again to see if it would work at a lower weight.\u00a0 In 2011, after having lost 40 kilos on my own, I had six IUI treatments (for those that aren\u2019t familiar, IUI is Intrauterine Insemination, otherwise known as artificial insemination).\u00a0 Both of the IUI were unsuccessful, which really hit me quite hard as I was so hoping that the weight loss was going to make some sort of difference.\u00a0 Initially they wanted to try three more treatments, but after the 2nd failed they decided it was time to move straight on to IVF.<\/p>\n After running some tests they determined that my AMH was very low.\u00a0 This is the hormone that tells them how your ovarian reserve is doing. Unlike men and their endless supply of sperm, us gals have only so many eggs to last us for our lifetime, and the closer you get to 40 the worse shape they are in.\u00a0 I was still in with a chance, but the chances weren\u2019t that great.\u00a0 For this reason, they decided to move forward full steam ahead, giving me the maximum amount of drugs they were legally allowed (4x the amount I was taking during the IUI).<\/p>\n For each egg retrieval I spent one month taking a drug to bring my own hormones to a halt, so that they could control everything themselves with other drugs.\u00a0 This put me into a temporary menopausal state which was REALLY FUN (no, not really, that was sarcasm). Hot flashes, headaches, moodiness, tiredness\u2026 oh it was fun times in the Soldaat household.<\/p>\n After a month I started with the stimulation hormones, which I would take for about two weeks before the egg retrieval.\u00a0 The egg retrievals are not at all pleasant but a girl\u2019s gotta do what a girl\u2019s gotta do. \u00a0From what I know, in North America they put you under for the egg retrieval. Not here in the Netherlands. \u00a0Over here it’s the usual “Suck it up, Buttercup” approach with a few painkillers to stick up your butt and a mild sedative. \u00a0All I can say is after my last egg retrieval, I really wish they had put me under. \u00a0I could have done without being awake for it all, but I will spare you the details.<\/p>\n So far this year I have had two egg retrievals.\u00a0 The first one gave us only two eggs, which yielded one embryo.\u00a0 We transferred the embryo and it failed. \u00a0The second egg retrieval gave us four eggs, which yielded four embryos.\u00a0 From these four embryos we had three transfers.\u00a0 After the retrieval we transferred two fresh embryos and the remaining two were frozen.\u00a0 The two frozen embryos were transferred separately in my natural cycle. All transfers failed.<\/p>\n That brings us to now.\u00a0 This year I have had two IUI procedures, two egg retrievals and five failed embryos transfers.\u00a0 I have taken more drugs than you could ever imagine and spent most of my time just trying not to cave under the pressure and stress.<\/p>\n I am exhausted.\u00a0 I cannot even begin to explain how stressful, painful, emotional, disappointing, frustrating, maddening, and just completely draining this experience has been.\u00a0 We have spent almost an entire year on fertility treatments, which meant not only emotional but also physical pain for me in many cases.\u00a0 I am completely spent at this point and have absolutely nothing left to give to this process, which is why we have decided to take a break until the new year.\u00a0 We are both like walking zombies at this point and everything else in our lives feels like it takes more effort than it is worth. \u00a0We need time to rest, to breathe, to enjoy life a little and just try not to think about babies or fertility\u2026 at least for a while.<\/p>\n I think we both thought we\u2019d be done by now.\u00a0 I have spent most of this year telling myself that it wasn\u2019t much longer, that 2014 was going to be better, because to be quite honest, 2013 has been one of the worst years of my life\u2026 and that\u2019s really hard considering I came fresh out of the absolute best year of my life<\/a>.\u00a0 To think that I made the conscious decision to go from such an incredibly happy place, to such a difficult and unhappy one\u2026 yeah, that\u2019s tough. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking.<\/p>\n Not the best year when it came to the IVF and our general mental and emotional state.\u00a0 It has definitely taken its toll in so many ways, for both of us.\u00a0 There are times we ask ourselves why we are still doing it, if we are crazy\u2026 but at the end of the day we both feel like we\u2019ve come so far and the end is so near (one way or another) but there are also times when we can\u2019t seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.\u00a0 Our lives feel like they have been on hold for so long, and we\u2019ve been living in a state of uncertainty for as long as I can remember.\u00a0 Baby or no baby, at this point we are just really looking forward to it all coming to an end so we can plan for our future and know where our lives are going to take us.<\/p>\n We have one more egg retrieval, and who knows what that will bring us. We will start again in January or February and likely spend the first half of the year continuing to tread water and try to keep from drowning, much like we spent most of this year.\u00a0\u00a0 How we will find the strength and motivation, I don\u2019t know\u2026 but it will have to come from somewhere.<\/p>\n On the plus side, this has (amazingly) just made our relationship stronger.\u00a0 I think many couples struggle a lot and often relationships bear the brunt of this kind of stress and sadness, but that hasn\u2019t been the case for us at all.\u00a0 I am amazed at how this has brought us even closer.\u00a0 I think if we have gotten through this together, we can get through damn near anything.<\/p>\n Not a whole lot to report there. It feels like forever ago that I had the surgery and at this point it\u2019s just about making it my regular life. The honeymoon period has definitely ended, meaning I no longer feel that thrill of the newly operated, losing at the speed of light WLS patient.\u00a0 After a year the losses slowed down, which was inevitable, and while I still have about 10 kilos to lose it really has not been my main concern lately \u2013 obviously.\u00a0 I really only have so much mental and physical energy to go around and the IVF has really tapped me.\u00a0 I knew from past experience, having gained 20 kilos back during my previous IUI treatments (before surgery), that I had a rough road ahead of me in regards to the hormones, bloating, my moods, food cravings, etc.<\/p>\n What I didn\u2019t anticipate?\u00a0 Being on 4x the amount of drugs that I had with the IUI.\u00a0 Holy fuckballs.<\/p>\n I had to get really realistic with my expectations in regards to my weight loss over this year and how much energy I was going to be able to put towards it.\u00a0 Thankfully the surgery has given me the benefit of not being hungry like I was in the past, but it didn\u2019t totally squash the emotional eater that taunts me in my head.\u00a0 The year after surgery helped to train me to ignore that voice, though.\u00a0 I have actually done amazingly well there, with the food and controlling the head hunger.\u00a0 My eating definitely changed in that I can eat more now and I’m trying to ‘normalize’ and follow the ‘everything in moderation’ \u00a0plan my clinic has set out for me, but between the hormones and my steadily decreasing energy levels as the months passed, my weight loss ground to a complete halt.\u00a0\u00a0 So I knew I could either concentrate on maintaining my weight and sanity at the same time, or drive myself crazy about not losing and completely wig out.<\/p>\n At this point, I consider maintaining a win.\u00a0 Ok, by maintaining I mean fluctuating anywhere within a 3-4 kilo bracket of my lowest recorded weight, depending on the time in my cycle, the drugs I was taking at the time, bloating etc\u2026 but there has not been any significant gain, I still fit into all my clothes and I\u2019m still within 10 kilos of the goal weight my clinic set out for me.\u00a0 I know that when all this passes I will be able to knock that last 10 kilos off, so I\u2019m not concerned.\u00a0 It sucks to not lose for a year, but it\u2019s a world of difference from the six months and 20 kilo gain I experienced during my pre-surgery IUI treatments.\u00a0 A drastic improvement and still something to be proud of, I think.<\/p>\n The hardest part for me right now with the WLS and IVF is feeling like I’m in a holding pattern while everyone around me is moving on. \u00a0My girlfriends are all having children and many of them have that common bond of being mothers. \u00a0My WLS friends reaching their goals weights, having their skin removal surgeries and moving on with their lives. \u00a0 Yet everything is on hold for me… no child, busy with the IVF, everything being put off until we know how all of this is going to pan out.<\/p>\n In many ways makes me feel like that loser in high school, ya know? \u00a0It’s like on both sides (WLS \/ IVF) people are being invited to these great parties and then I sit at the lunch table on Monday listening to them rave about how much fun they had, how great it was, all the new friends they made and I feel completely left out – because I wasn’t invited. \u00a0 It’s all inside jokes and stories I wouldn’t understand because “YOU HAD TO BE THERE”. \u00a0 Sure, I could try to talk about the movie I watched on Saturday night or the socks I knitted and they may be interested for a few minutes… but BACK TO THAT PARTY – OMG IT WAS SO AWESOME. \u00a0 It makes me feel, I don’t know, left out? boring? \u00a0less than, somehow?<\/p>\n I just don’t know how to connect sometimes. \u00a0How do you feel included and really part of the crowd when you can’t connect on the same level that they all connect with each other? \u00a0 How do you not feel left out or discouraged when you know you probably won’t be invited to the party next weekend either, or the one after that? \u00a0When your life becomes a series of those Mondays? \u00a0 How do you get them to remember that you are there and how alone you feel without coming across as though you begrudge them their happiness? \u00a0I mean, if I went to a great party I’d rave about it too, so I can’t blame them… but at this point, if you continue with the metaphor, I’ve never been to a party so I just cannot relate or join in.<\/p>\n It’s a very difficult and confusing situation. \u00a0I’m at a bit of a loss with it right now and have been for a while. \u00a0 I’m just hoping that once we are out of this holding pattern that it will change. \u00a0We’ll see.<\/p>\n Moving on…<\/p>\n I think the last time I posted about that was in May (Days 114-121<\/a>) so I got way behind there.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t end up finishing the project, which is a shame.\u00a0 I did get up to about day 200-something and lost my steam in August sometime.\u00a0 You can see the rest here<\/a>, if you like.<\/p>\n Honestly, just one more thing I let fall by the wayside because I just didn\u2019t have the energy for it.\u00a0 I know, I sound like a broken record but get back to me when you spend years TTC, having WLS, and have as much drugs pumped into you as I have, then we\u2019ll talk!<\/p>\nThe WLS Situation<\/span><\/h3>\n
My Self Portrait Project<\/span><\/h3>\n