{"id":900,"date":"2008-06-12T10:32:04","date_gmt":"2008-06-12T08:32:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/archives\/900"},"modified":"2010-05-26T21:05:12","modified_gmt":"2010-05-26T19:05:12","slug":"dreaming-of-toronto","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/900","title":{"rendered":"Dreaming of Toronto"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I blame this photo<\/a> which I first saw on my friend Gail’s<\/a> blog.<\/p>\n

In my dream I was with my husband walking up some random street in Toronto.\u00a0\u00a0 All along the street people were playing games like basketball and all those dart throwing, ball chucking games that you see at the fair.\u00a0 People were deliriously happy and as I walked along watching them my heart ached because I want to belong to this place again.<\/p>\n

There was a woman with us.\u00a0 She was tall, in a grey dress suit and glasses sort of like mine.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t very friendly and didn\u2019t like that I kept stopping to watch people play the games.\u00a0 I ignored her though and kept turning to my husband and asking him if he finds this all as wonderful as I do.\u00a0 To look at all we are missing out on.<\/p>\n

It turned out that this lady was a real estate agent who was taking us to look at an apartment.\u00a0\u00a0 I was getting incredibly anxious because I didn\u2019t want to look at a big, fancy, air conditioned, Canadian apartment that we will never have.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see the point in torturing ourselves.\u00a0 WHY go look at this place when we have no intention of ever living in it?<\/p>\n

The lobby was glorious. Shiny, black marble floors with tons of space and huge windows looking out at the water.\u00a0\u00a0 From the front of the building we could see that we were not too far from the CN Tower.\u00a0\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to go in, but I followed them anyway.<\/p>\n

When we got to the apartment door, my heart was in my throat because I knew if I saw it I would beg and plead with my husband to stay there.\u00a0 To just drop everything and stay in this beautiful place that feels so familiar and so RIGHT to me.\u00a0 It made me ache though because I knew that no matter how much I loved it, it would never be enough to make him want to live there too.<\/p>\n

When we walked in, I was confused.\u00a0 It was a small, outdated, dingy apartment with a bed in the living room, a disgusting little bathroom off the kitchen that was separated only by a shower curtain for a door.\u00a0\u00a0 It smelled funny and everything in there was various shades of green.<\/p>\n

I thought to myself that it was sort of funny, how I\u2019d built it up in my head to be this wonderful thing, and it turned out to be so much less than I had imagined it to be.\u00a0\u00a0 I was torn between the feeling of wanting to be back in Toronto and the realization that it may not be all I remember it to be.<\/p>\n

The apartment had a big balcony and when I stepped outside I saw a city bathed in sunshine with stunning buildings and streets busy with people playing games and enjoying themselves.\u00a0\u00a0 When I looked inside all I saw was a dreary apartment that I wouldn\u2019t want to spend an hour in, let alone a lifetime.<\/p>\n

My husband had a sort of I told you so <\/em>look on his face, which infuriated me.\u00a0 A look that told me that he knew that it was a waste of time even coming to look.<\/p>\n

In a way I felt like this was my only chance to plead my case and show him how different things could be, and instead it turned out to be worse somehow.\u00a0 I felt like I just couldn\u2019t win, ever\u2026 with anything.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s all I remember.<\/p>\n

Not sure what it all means, but it was a dream that made me wake up feeling sad and like I\u2019m missing out on something, somewhere.\u00a0\u00a0 A different life than I have now.\u00a0\u00a0 I hate that feeling because I know that no matter where I am, I want to be with my husband\u2026 but sometimes, especially with dreams like this, I am left wondering how life might be different if we had made a few different decisions along the way.<\/p>\n

I will shake it off, as I usually do\u2026 by reminding myself of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband, the opportunity to see the places I\u2019ve seen and do some of the things I\u2019ve done.\u00a0\u00a0 I guess I\u2019m just waiting for a time when I don\u2019t have to do that anymore, when I am not haunted by the what if\u2019s<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I blame this photo which I first saw on my friend Gail’s blog. In my dream I was with my husband walking up some random street in Toronto.\u00a0\u00a0 All along the street people were playing games like basketball and all those dart throwing, ball chucking games that …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[11,9],"class_list":["post-900","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","","category-randoms","tag-dreams","tag-homesickness"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/900","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=900"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/900\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4732,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/900\/revisions\/4732"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=900"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=900"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=900"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}