{"id":7809,"date":"2011-12-28T09:08:27","date_gmt":"2011-12-28T08:08:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/?p=7809"},"modified":"2012-06-22T10:13:58","modified_gmt":"2012-06-22T08:13:58","slug":"confessions-of-a-fat-girl-the-last-resort","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/7809","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a Fat Girl: The Last Resort"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"embroidered<\/a>
\nBiological Clock Embroidery by Maximum RABBIT Designs<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Ok, well it looks like this is becoming a bit of a series, this whole Confessions<\/a> thing.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been trying to be as honest and open as possible about my efforts to lose weight<\/a>, as well as about my issues with infertility<\/a>.\u00a0 I think the greater part of my reason for it is because it makes me feel better to get it all out.\u00a0 I also continue to do it because I know that there are other people out there, like me, who find it helpful when others open up about their experiences. If reading my story can help inform someone or, at the very least, let them know they aren\u2019t alone, then that\u2019s a great reason too.<\/p>\n

Anyway, let\u2019s get down to the reason why I\u2019m writing today.\u00a0 There\u2019s no leading up to this and I\u2019ve found that the best way to do it is the tried and true ripping off the bandaid<\/em> approach.<\/p>\n

I am going to have weight loss surgery.\u00a0 On January 18th, 2012 I am having gastric bypass surgery, which is shown in the video below, for those who don\u2019t know what it is.<\/p>\n[youtube id=”l4vREUUv9Lw” width=”600″ height=”350″]\n

Ok, now it\u2019s out there, there is no turning back.\u00a0 I know some of you already know this, but many don\u2019t and I\u2019m sure for those people it has come as a bit of a shock to your system but that\u2019s ok.\u00a0 It was a bit of a shock to mine as well!<\/p>\n

If you had asked me this time last year where I\u2019d be right now, I would have said that I\u2019d have all of my weight off and be about to start IVF.\u00a0 I was after losing 85 pounds, feeling great and was well on my way to reaching my goals.\u00a0 I would have puffed my chest out and exclaimed that NOTHING was getting in my way, I was a woman on a mission and I was kicking ass and taking names.<\/p>\n

That was before this happened<\/a>, before the fertility treatments began, before the hormones, stress, and disappointment that came along with the six months of fertility treatments.\u00a0 I had totally underestimated the toll that would take on me and how difficult it would make losing weight.\u00a0 Hell, how difficult it would be to keep the weight I\u2019d already lost off\u2026 because I am an emotional eater and this was one of the most emotional experiences I have been through.\u00a0 I wish I didn\u2019t, and I\u2019ve tried to change it over the years, but food has always equaled comfort for me.\u00a0 So when I was loaded with hormones and dying with anticipation and anxiety over whether I had gotten pregnant that month, I ate.\u00a0 When I realized I wasn\u2019t <\/em>pregnant again<\/em> that month, I was sad, angry, and disappointed\u2026. so I ate.<\/p>\n

In the last year I have tried time and time again to get back on track and find that strength I had the year before.\u00a0 I\u2019d do detox after detox, tried having my doctor send me to another dietitian and still I couldn\u2019t seem to make it happen.\u00a0 Instead of continuing to lose the weight, I gained back half of what I lost and it felt horrible.<\/p>\n

The thing is, I know many people feel that if you want something badly enough you just do it.\u00a0 How I wish it were that simple, and I think if it were the world wouldn\u2019t have the obesity problems it has today.\u00a0 Nobody WANTS to be overweight, nobody wants to have the health issues that come along with it or to be made fun of and have their self esteem trampled into the dirt.\u00a0 Nobody wants<\/em> that.<\/p>\n

In my experience (and I fully admit this may just be me) I have found that the more I had riding on this, the more difficult it became.\u00a0 My biological clock has been ticking VERY loudly and not only my chances of having children, but also my husband\u2019s, relied on me losing weight.\u00a0 That\u2019s a lot of pressure and that pressure and stress turned out to not be a motivation for me, but an obstacle.\u00a0 It was constantly there nagging at me and stressing me out.<\/p>\n

Weight loss surgery was first suggested to me by my gynecologist in 2006<\/a> and let me tell you, I did NOT take kindly to that suggestion at all.\u00a0 I was furious that she would even suggest that to me because I\u2019d started losing weight on my own and was convinced that I could get it done.\u00a0 That was one of many times in the past six years when I was convinced<\/em> I was going to get it done on my own.<\/p>\n

Over the years I\u2019ve tried the general eat less move more method, Weight Watchers, Low Carbing and everything in between.\u00a0 Generally I\u2019d lose 25-30 lbs and then whatever<\/em> would happen, whether it was a family member dying back home, other family issues, winter blues or whatever, <\/em>I would then turn around and gain it back\u2026 and then some.\u00a0 Which lead to the great scale disaster of 2008, when I stepped on and realized I weighed over 300 lbs.<\/p>\n

How fucking embarrassing it still is to say that.<\/p>\n

As I said, I thought the recent 85 lb weight loss was really going to be it, as I\u2019d gone further than I ever have, but it wasn\u2019t, and what can I do about it now after letting another year slip by and gaining half of it back?<\/p>\n

The weight loss surgery was given to me as an option by both my fertility specialist and my family doctor over the years. They didn\u2019t really push it on me, rather just let me know it was there.\u00a0 Every time I\u2019d hold my hand up and tell them no.\u00a0 I mean weight loss surgery?!\u00a0\u00a0 Were they out of their freaking minds?!!<\/em>\u00a0 When I declined they would do whatever they could, whether it was sending me to a weight loss program that paid for a gym membership, or to a new dietitian, they really did try to help motivate me and give me what I needed to try to lose the weight.<\/p>\n

Looking back, I think the one thing we should have done, but didn\u2019t, was see a therapist about WHY <\/em>I am an emotional eater, and try to solve those problems. I think that would have gone a long way to helping me finally beat this issue once and for all.\u00a0 Oh but we all know about hindsight\u2026<\/p>\n

After recent talks with my doctor, and the new dietitian (who I <\/em>absolutely ADORE) together we have come to the following conclusions:<\/p>\n

1. I will be 37 years old in a few months, and once I hit 40 any chances I have of having IVF are over.<\/p>\n

2. After 35 years of age, the success rate with IVF pretty much drops by half every year.<\/p>\n

3. After the re-gain, for me to now get to the HIGHEST weight acceptable for IVF (which also means the weight that gives me the lowest chance of success) it would take me 12-15 months.\u00a0 I would still be considered overweight, still be hovering around the 200 lb mark and while I would be ALLOWED to have IVF by slipping in under the line\u2026 when taking my age and weight into consideration, my chances of getting pregnant would be very very low.<\/p>\n

4. In that 12-15 months, with the surgery, I could not only get to a weight to be allowed to have IVF but surpass that and reach a much lower and healthier weight.\u00a0 This would not only increase my chances of conceiving greatly, but put me in a much better position for a healthy pregnancy if I\u2019m lucky enough to have one at all.<\/p>\n

5. If, heaven forbid, the IVF doesn\u2019t work, I won\u2019t still be seriously overweight, emotional and trying to move on. I will hopefully have much fitter body, better outlook on life and feel more energetic and motivated to move on with life, free of FAT and INFERTILITY, for the first time in as long as I can remember.<\/p>\n

6. I HAVE tried on my own, for YEARS.<\/em> I have done the work, I\u2019ve fought the fight and really made an honest to goodness effort to do this on my own, that is something nobody will ever be able to accuse me of, not trying my hardest on my own.\u00a0 As much as I\u2019d like to THINK I could get this done on my own over the next year, I thought that last year as well and I was in a much better position then.\u00a0 I was 40 lbs lighter than I am now and felt a million times better.<\/p>\n

7. If I don\u2019t<\/em> decide to take this leap now, and a year from now haven\u2019t managed to get the weight off on my own, it may be too late.\u00a0 As my doctors said, I\u2019m at a critical point now in regards to my weight and age.\u00a0 If I turn down the surgery now, and in a year still haven\u2019t gotten the weight off, I risk missing my window completely\u2026 because when factoring in waiting and recovery periods with the surgery, it will be too late.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t be able to get it all done in time to still slip in under the age limit for the IVF.<\/p>\n

This is not a decision I\u2019ve made lightly, nor is it something I am taking lightly.\u00a0 I don\u2019t view the surgery as a fix for anything and I\u2019m fully aware that unless I DO sort out my issues with food and do the work that I\u2019ll eventually just gain all the weight back.\u00a0 I know all the risks and rewards and have basically dedicated the past few months of my life to this.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been gathering info on the different surgeries available, visiting the clinic, speaking and visiting with people who have had or are going to have surgery, learning more about food and eating after the surgery and talking extensively about this with my close family and friends.<\/p>\n

I have also been working hard to set up a support system for myself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been trying to get to know other people who have been or are being treated by the same clinic, I\u2019ve gone to one of their meetings and that was incredibly helpful and gave me a lot of insight.\u00a0 I have a few friends who have done this and they\u2019ve been wonderfully supportive and I\u2019m currently working on getting set up with a therapist (outside of the one I see in the after care program from the clinic) to really dig deep and help me once and for all put an end to my dysfunctional relationship with food.<\/p>\n

Basically, if I\u2019m going to take this drastic step, I feel like I have to really do the work to make sure it sticks, because it\u2019s really not a place I ever thought I\u2019d be in my life.\u00a0 Weight loss surgery was something I never thought I\u2019d even consider because I had a lot of the same opinions other people who have never faced it have\u2026 it\u2019s the easy way out, the lazy way out, weight loss surgery is for losers who can\u2019t be arsed to do it on their own.<\/p>\n

Boy, let me tell you\u2026 has my opinion changed since I have had to stare this beast face to face.\u00a0 It\u2019s anything but easy.\u00a0 In fact, it\u2019s going to be one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever done.\u00a0 It\u2019s a massive life change, it\u2019s going to be painful at times, sad at times and I\u2019m sure there will be a few screaming fits in the mix along the way\u2026 but I\u2019m hopeful that one day it will be worth it.<\/p>\n

I won\u2019t lie, I\u2019m scared to death.\u00a0 I\u2019m scared of the surgery, the time in the hospital, making the huge changes that are required, how people are going to react to me doing this, of possibly gaining the weight back someday, of complications or crappy side effects (like losing hair, ugh!) and a million other things.<\/p>\n

That said though, I am confident in my decision and I know that this is the right choice for me at this time.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t six years ago, it wasn\u2019t four years ago and it wasn\u2019t this time last year\u2026 but it is now. \u00a0I will be operated on by\u00a0Dr. Bruno Dillemans<\/a>\u00a0in Brugge Belgium, who is one of the top bariatric surgeons in the world, so that is very comforting. \u00a0The reason the surgery is taking place in Belgium is because I am having it done via a private clinic outside Amsterdam, rather than one of the hospitals in Rotterdam. \u00a0The waiting period for the surgery at the hospitals in Rotterdam is between 9-12 months, which when you factor in the 12 months I’ll need to set aside after the surgery for the weight loss, is too long in my situation. \u00a0Thankfully my insurance company forwarded me to this clinic which has only a 3 month waiting period. \u00a0 The super surgeon is an added bonus.<\/p>\n

I have waited until almost the last minute to write about this because I wanted to tell the people who are closest to me and I wanted to give myself time to process it and be confident and secure enough to deal with everyone\u2019s questions and reactions.\u00a0 I was very insecure about this in the beginning, I felt like a total failure and like I WAS giving up, but I don\u2019t feel that way anymore.\u00a0 I know that if all I wanted was an easy or lazy way out I would have jumped at the chance one of the many times it was mentioned to me over the last six years.\u00a0 I also don\u2019t think I have failed, I managed to lose 85 lbs, which is something a lot of people can\u2019t do at all, let alone with as much riding on it as I have had.\u00a0 I have tried my hardest to do this on my own and I no longer see this as a failure, rather just choosing another path that gives me the greatest chance of achieving my goals.<\/p>\n

Another reason I feel comfortable enough to be open about this now is because of how unbelievably supportive and understanding my close friends and family have been.\u00a0 In the beginning I was terrified to tell people for fear of how they\u2019d react but everyone has been so understanding and supportive.\u00a0 Sure, they are worried for me as it is a major surgery and a life changing event, but like me they are hopeful that whether the IVF works or not, that in the end this will all lead to me having a healthier, happier and more productive life.\u00a0 Even those that I thought would have a sort of *shock horror* response have not had that at all, quite the opposite actually and their support has meant the world to me.<\/p>\n

I will have the surgery on January 18th and I\u2019ve been sure to make no big plans for the first few months of the year, as there is quite a long recovery period and I won\u2019t be working on a lot of calories in the beginning so I won\u2019t have a lot of energy. So for those nearby please don\u2019t be offended if I am a bit scarce for a while, hopefully I\u2019ll be back in action soon!\u00a0 You are all welcome to come by for a visit though!!<\/p>\n

Well, that\u2019s all my news!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to stop now as this has, in true Canadutch<\/a> style, turned into a total novel.\u00a0 I know I\u2019ll re-read this and there will be 100 little bits of info I\u2019d wish I\u2019d included but I\u2019m going to try to restrain myself!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Biological Clock Embroidery by Maximum RABBIT Designs Ok, well it looks like this is becoming a bit of a series, this whole Confessions thing.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been trying to be as honest and open as possible about my efforts to lose weight, as well as about my issues with infertility.\u00a0 I think the greater part of …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8537,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[16,108,615,877],"class_list":["post-7809","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","","category-weightloss","tag-project-baby","tag-scary","tag-surgery","tag-weightloss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7809","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7809"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7809\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8538,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7809\/revisions\/8538"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8537"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7809"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7809"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7809"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}