{"id":6629,"date":"2011-05-25T07:32:26","date_gmt":"2011-05-25T05:32:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/?p=6629"},"modified":"2011-09-04T15:57:31","modified_gmt":"2011-09-04T13:57:31","slug":"100-steps-to-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/6629","title":{"rendered":"100 Steps To Go"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last month I wrote an update on what the current situation is<\/a> in regards to the fertility treatments<\/a>.\u00a0 In short, I have had six rounds of IUI (artificial insemination) with no luck, now I need to take a break to lose a further 15-20 kilos before we can start treatments again.<\/p>\n

I was a bit worried about how it was all going to go.\u00a0 I wanted the hormones out of my system so I could feel normal again, and it worked. Once they were gone I felt much more myself, the clouds in my head started to part and I was happy again. Well, as happy as I could be at that time.<\/p>\n

The problem is, it was like I went into a sort of denial. I just didn\u2019t think about it.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have to go to the hospital, I didn\u2019t have to take any medication, I didn\u2019t have hormones blasting through me and I wasn\u2019t having any treatments.\u00a0 I was just me, living life and not thinking about hospitals or babies.<\/p>\n

I even started eating the way I should and lost 8 lbs in the first 1.5 weeks, I was feeling great!<\/p>\n

That was, until I went to the hospital for my \u2018checking in\u2019 appointment. The one where we were to sit down and discuss exactly what the plan is from here.\u00a0 I knew generally what the plan was but there were a few details we needed to iron out.\u00a0 Mainly, exactly how much weight I had to lose and what treatments we\u2019d be doing when the weight is gone.\u00a0 They want me to do three more IUI with more weight off to see if my chances improve, and if that doesn\u2019t work then move on to IVF.\u00a0 Which means possibly having as many treatments again as I\u2019ve just had\u2026 and that felt like it went on forever.<\/p>\n

It was almost like I had post traumatic stress disorder or something.\u00a0 From the minute I got in the car I could feel myself getting anxious.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to go, I wanted to stay home and blissfully avoid thinking about it\u2026 but I couldn\u2019t, we had to figure these things out and make a plan.<\/p>\n

When I walked through the doors of the hospital my anxiety levels went through the roof.\u00a0 I got this weird feeling like my insides were shaking.\u00a0 Like my body was still but all my organs were shivering.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m the only one that happens to but it\u2019s a bizarre and uncomfortable feeling that just got worse the longer I was there.<\/p>\n

It was raining that day and Xander dropped me off at the door.\u00a0 As I stood inside the entrance waiting for him, a woman walked through the door.\u00a0 She was heavily pregnant and I just couldn\u2019t stop staring.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure she\u2019s probably used to, at least I hope so, because I just couldn’t look away.\u00a0 It was then that it all hit me\u2026 before that I was anxious and felt strange but my mind was still reasonably functional. When I saw that woman, I felt like Wile E. Coyote getting crushed by my own ten-ton boulder.\u00a0 I suddenly felt this crushing weight coming down on me and it was hard to breathe.\u00a0 It hit me… THAT is why I am here, I remember now.\u00a0 Not that I forgot, it just wasn’t as fresh and raw in my mind until I got that reminder.<\/p>\n

I tried to work through it and not let it show as Xander came in and we made our way up to the gynecology department.\u00a0 Thankfully the waiting room was empty and we didn\u2019t even wait five minutes\u2026 but during our appointment I could hardly think because I was working so hard to stop myself from crying.\u00a0 It was the same as we stood at reception waiting for them to sort out blood work papers and follow-up appointments.\u00a0 All I could think was, type faster\u2026 please<\/em> just give me my card so I can leave before I embarrass myself!\u00a0 Honestly, I hardly spoke and Xander made all the arrangements.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t get out of the hospital quick enough, it was like there was no air in the building and I was rushing for the doors just to be able to catch my breath.\u00a0 When I got to the car I fell to pieces\u2026 I cried and sobbed while saying how I didn\u2019t even understand why I was crying at all, I didn\u2019t know what was wrong with me.\u00a0 I guess I wasn\u2019t as \u2018over it\u2019 as I thought I was.<\/p>\n

It was probably silly of me to think I would be.\u00a0 It was a long and difficult year for me so far and I should have known that just stopping the hormones wasn\u2019t going to suddenly make everything better.\u00a0 I was just eager to get back to my normal life without all of this surrounding me every day and didn’t take the time to deal with my feelings about everything.<\/p>\n

I know now why I had the reaction I did, because it was a cold hard slap of reality.\u00a0 It made me realize that it\u2019s not<\/em> over.\u00a0 Not even close. In fact, depending on how many more treatments I need to have, I\u2019m not even half through.\u00a0 When you factor in the time I\u2019m going to have to spend trying to lose more weight, I\u2019m not even 1\/3 of the way through.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have a break at all, there is no break, there is only hard work, stress and an incredible amount of pressure.<\/p>\n

All of a sudden that blissful avoidance came to a screeching halt and panic and depression took over.\u00a0 Losing weight is so hard even in the best of situations, having this sort of pressure and feeling like our entire lives depend on it makes it so much more difficult.\u00a0 I\u2019m an emotional eater, I always have been, and how do I lose weight when I am feeling this way?\u00a0 For the past week I\u2019ve been in a total funk, I\u2019ve been eating things I know I shouldn\u2019t and hating myself for it\u2026 which, of course, just makes me feel worse.\u00a0 It\u2019s a spiral and I am spinning around screaming inside of it.<\/p>\n

I think a part of me is angry. I\u2019m angry that I spent 6 months of my life NOT losing weight… and all for nothing.\u00a0 I went through all those treatments, the months of hormone insanity and I have nothing to show for it.\u00a0 My weight is now what it was in October of last year, and when I think of the weight I COULD be at if I hadn\u2019t had those treatments, it pisses me off<\/em>!<\/p>\n

I also think a part of me is scared.\u00a0 I want to lose weight to look and feel good, but there is a small part of me that dreads \u2026 DREADS<\/em><\/strong>\u2026 even the idea of starting the medications, emotional turmoil and poking and prodding again.\u00a0 So maybe I am somehow subconsciously sabotaging myself by stuffing my face and not losing the weight I should be right now?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 All I know is that I\u2019m struggling, mentally and physically.\u00a0 I\u2019m struggling to find the strength to get over this next hurdle of losing the weight.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid that I am going to spend even more time fighting and working towards a goal that may never happen.\u00a0\u00a0 If I feel this way now, how angry am I going to be a year from now when it\u2019s all over and I possibly have nothing to show for it?<\/p>\n

I know what I have to do.\u00a0 I have to go through the dreaded detox period of my diet again.\u00a0 I need to get the sugar and cravings out of my system, find the strength to give myself the boundaries I used to have and get the weight off once and for all.\u00a0 I also need to learn how to deal with people who criticize my choice of diet and actively try to convince me that I should be eating things like ice cream and cake, because it\u2019s fun.\u00a0 They don\u2019t understand the pressure I am under and while I know some part of them must mean well, I really wonder would they ask an alcoholic to just have a few shots with them\u2026 because it\u2019s fun and they should be enjoying life.<\/p>\n

Anyhow, I can\u2019t say that today is going to be the day I make the change.\u00a0 Maybe it won\u2019t even be tomorrow, or Sunday.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to get there though.\u00a0 I\u2019ve found the motivation and strength to do it before, it\u2019s just a little harder now because I have some mental shit I need to sort through before I can take this on.<\/p>\n

For now, I consider my first step just acknowledging the fact that I\u2019m struggling rather than avoiding it and hoping it magically sorts itself out.\u00a0 I know I\u2019m in trouble and I need to get my head on straight, so that will be what I work on first.\u00a0 Coming to terms with the fact that this is a much more long and difficult road than I thought I was going to be on. Dealing with my feelings of disappointment and anger, which are pretty huge right now.<\/p>\n

Then I can deal with the diet\u2026<\/p>\n

For now, this will be my theme song, it really hits home with me because it\u2019s exactly how I feel at the moment.\u00a0 I made my first step, I acknowledged and admitted that I’m struggling. I’ve made it 99…<\/p>\n

<\/embed><\/object><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last month I wrote an update on what the current situation is in regards to the fertility treatments.\u00a0 In short, I have had six rounds of IUI (artificial insemination) with no luck, now I need to take a break to lose a further 15-20 kilos before we can start treatments again. I was a bit …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6630,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6,19],"tags":[322,249,570,569,118,16,132,877,382],"class_list":["post-6629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","","category-man-thats-sad","category-tantrums-rants","category-weightloss","tag-depression","tag-disappointing","tag-hospital-visits","tag-infertility","tag-music","tag-project-baby","tag-videos","tag-weightloss","tag-weight-woes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6629"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6638,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6629\/revisions\/6638"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6630"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}