{"id":6419,"date":"2011-03-02T18:42:24","date_gmt":"2011-03-02T17:42:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/?p=6419"},"modified":"2011-03-02T18:57:50","modified_gmt":"2011-03-02T17:57:50","slug":"when-project-baby-and-project-fatass-collide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/6419","title":{"rendered":"When Project Baby and Project Fatass Collide"},"content":{"rendered":"

In order to start with my fertility treatments<\/a> I had to lose over 80 lbs.\u00a0 Here in the Netherlands they won\u2019t give you hormone treatments unless you are beneath a certain BMI, due to the risk of hypertension and other complications.\u00a0 I did really well for about 1.5 years, but I had no idea how difficult it was going to be once I started the hormone therapy.<\/p>\n

\"Project<\/a><\/p>\n

This stuff is making me batshit crazy<\/a>, and hungry<\/strong>!\u00a0 It\u2019s like PMS all month long.\u00a0 Seriously, it\u2019s absolute insanity!<\/p>\n

For months I followed a very strict diet<\/a> which excluded most carbs, all sugar and processed foods.\u00a0 Once I got past the detox stage it was a breeze.\u00a0 I made it through three weeks in Canada, I made it through Christmas\u2026 but once the hormone injections started, it was game over.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to make it through this.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been trying, I really have, but as each month goes by it\u2019s getting more and more difficult.\u00a0\u00a0 I am a stress eater, an emotional eater and any woman knows that our appetites increase during that time of the month<\/em>.\u00a0 With the hormones, it\u2019s always<\/strong> like that time of the month.\u00a0 I\u2019m also usually stressed and emotional, which makes it like a constant cycle of fighting myself in regards to food.<\/p>\n

On the one hand, I want to be really good. I want to continue losing in spite of all that is going on because I want to be rid of all this weight once and for all.\u00a0 On the other hand, fighting the hormones and my own brain with trying to stay on my diet and not gain weight is stressing me out even further, which I\u2019m sure isn\u2019t helping in the baby department.<\/p>\n

So I go back and forth\u2026 constantly.<\/p>\n

There are certain times where I am ok.\u00a0 Not good, just OK.\u00a0 Where I can keep something that appears to be a bit of self control.\u00a0 Other times, I\u2019m like a shark in a feeding frenzy and I can\u2019t seem to make it stop.\u00a0 I am hungry all day and no amount of self pep-talking helps.<\/p>\n

It gets really confusing, being an emotional eater that is having this therapy, because it\u2019s really hard to tell what is really the cause of my indulgences.\u00a0 Is it my brain, that loves to make me want to eat anyway<\/em> using the drugs as a convenient excuse to let loose?\u00a0 OR, are the drugs mainly to blame?<\/p>\n

Last month I had had enough, and in the short period of time I had between the injections I once again did the detox portion of the diet.\u00a0 I did really really well and my fifth and final day of the detox was on a Sunday, then on Monday I had the one final whopper of an injection. By Wednesday I would have eaten the dogs if I could have caught them!\u00a0 There was no stopping me, nothing <\/em>was safe.<\/p>\n

Am I weak or am I just suffering an unfortunate side effect that comes along with the medications?<\/p>\n

Of course, my insecurities alone are enough to convince me that I\u2019m weak and this is just me giving up on the weight loss thing, but the doctors tell me it\u2019s normal. They should know, right?<\/p>\n

Perhaps it\u2019s a bit of both\u2026 maybe the drugs really are causing my appetite to go out of control, and the stress of everything is making it more difficult for me to stay strong.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I can blame the drugs 100% because I\u2019d like to think to some degree that it\u2019s mind over matter, but sometimes I wake up with the absolute best of intentions and then it all goes to shit.<\/p>\n

Take this past Monday, for example.\u00a0 The Friday before I had started seeing signs that our latest IUI was unsuccessful (girls, you know what I\u2019m talking about, it starts with an S and rhymes with uhh, dotting).\u00a0 I was SO bummed out, like\u2026 incredibly.\u00a0 I got up on Saturday morning, put on a happy face and went out with my girlfriends<\/a>.\u00a0 I had a choice\u2026 try to be as good as possible and maybe find myself still frustrated and unhappy at the end of the day, possibly bringing my friends down with me, or say fuck it and go have a good time without stressing about what I eat.<\/p>\n

I said fuck it and I had a great time.\u00a0 I\u2019d start being good on Sunday.<\/p>\n

Sunday rolled around and well, let\u2019s just say there was absolutely no doubt about the lack of success of our IUI.\u00a0 Hell week had officially begun.\u00a0 Dammit.\u00a0 So I spent most of that day avoiding the world and trying to do things on my own that didn\u2019t make me think about the month ahead too much. I failed miserably<\/a> and when we went out for groceries I got some Oreos to take my misery out on.<\/p>\n

I drowned those bastards. Then I ate them.<\/p>\n

Then I felt guilty.<\/p>\n

Monday.\u00a0 MONDAY was going to be the day!\u00a0 The day I got my act together and went back into diet mode!<\/p>\n

Monday morning I phoned the hospital to find out what our plan of attack was going to be for this coming month.\u00a0 They phoned us back to tell us that they were changing my medication to something much stronger, and that it could no longer be done as it had been done the previous month\u2026 it was time for me to learn to do proper injections.<\/p>\n

You see, with the medication I\u2019d been taking previously I could use a needle like a diabetic\u2019s pen.\u00a0 I still had to go to the hospital to learn how to use it but it was pretty simple.\u00a0 Stick the thing in the thing, turn the knob, poke it in and press the button.\u00a0 Nothing too scary, no having to worry about air bubbles or mixing meds.<\/p>\n

The new medication was different.\u00a0 It would require me to mix it, use a proper syringe and watch for air bubbles and look all nurse like.\u00a0 This made me pretty nervous but I figured if I dealt with the other injections I\u2019d make it through this ok.<\/p>\n

Only one problem. They don\u2019t use this particular medication very often so they didn\u2019t have it at the hospital.\u00a0 Our local pharmacy didn\u2019t have it, nor did any of the pharmacies connected to it, so the lady at the hospital asked if we could call around looking for it as it would be faster than her trying to do it with all the interruptions there.\u00a0 The medication could<\/em> have waited a day but they strongly suggested we try really hard to find it as it\u2019d be better for me to start as soon as possible.<\/p>\n

I was starting to wig out and thankfully my husband was home and didn\u2019t mind calling around.\u00a0 After calling multiple pharmacies and finally getting one to call the distribution center to see where they\u2019ve dropped it off lately, we found ONE pharmacy in the ENTIRE city that had it.\u00a0 That was only because someone had forgotten to pick theirs up.<\/p>\n

I did get a momentary distraction wondering who forgets to pick up fertility medication.<\/p>\n

So we got the hospital to fax them the prescription, went to pick it up, then straight to the hospital for my needle lesson.\u00a0 Mix this, poke this there, tap that, press this, insert the thing in the other thing etc.\u00a0 I think I got it!<\/p>\n

While I was there the lady was sure to tell me to contact them if I had any side effects that seemed\u00a0 out of the ordinary, so I took that opportunity to ask about the eating.\u00a0 I asked her if it was normal to want to eat everything in sight.<\/p>\n

She said yes, and that they hear that very very often.\u00a0 That it\u2019s just a part of the whole fertility treatment thing and it\u2019s not just me.<\/p>\n

So there, an honest to goodness medical professional just told me that the hormones alone are enough to cause me to want to chew my own leg off, yet I still feel guilty and weak. Argh!<\/p>\n

While I did think I had a handle on the needle thing, I was still on hell week, still had PMS charging through me like a freight train and the uncertainty of what was coming up this month with even stronger medications, bigger needles and everything else had my anxiety levels through the roof.<\/p>\n

So I took it out on some more Oreos.<\/p>\n

Then I felt guilty.<\/p>\n

Monday was a total wash.<\/p>\n

Tuesday wasn\u2019t a lot better.<\/p>\n

Wednesday, WEDNESDAY (today) was going to be the day!!\u00a0 I was sure of it.\u00a0 When I went to bed last night I thought ok, I can do this!<\/p>\n

This morning I woke up hours later than usual, as I did yesterday, feeling nauseated and with a really annoying headache (like yesterday).\u00a0 When I got up my husband started talking to me and it took all of about five minutes for the tears to start.\u00a0 Completely out of my control, frustrating as heck, but there they were.<\/p>\n

This day was not starting out quite as I expected.<\/p>\n

Then the doorbell rang.\u00a0 Oh blessed delivery man, look what he brought\u2026<\/p>\n

\"Project<\/a><\/p>\n

Can you hear the angels sing?\u00a0 Omg\u2026<\/p>\n

A friend<\/a> and I have an agreement where he kindly sends me stuff I miss from back home, and I send his family Stroopwafels and other yummy stuff from Holland. I knew it was coming, I know I should have stopped it but I was weak.\u00a0 If I was going to go to hell, I may as well ride there on a peanut butter cup.<\/p>\n

A part of me thought I should just put them away, not let the hormones get to me, I\u2019m strong!!<\/p>\n

\"*CHOMP*\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Yeah, not so much.\u00a0 That thought lasted for about as long as it took me to get a wrapper open. \u00a0Oh sweet baby Jesus, so delicious.<\/p>\n

People keep telling me that I\u2019m too hard on myself, that I need to relax and not think about the diet so much because it\u2019s just giving me added stress.\u00a0 The problem with that is I feel like these treatments rely on me keeping the weight off, so does having the healthiest pregnancy possible.<\/p>\n

I know it\u2019s not like I\u2019m gaining all the weight back, in the last 3-4 months I\u2019ve only gained about 3kg of the 39kg I had lost, but it still feels like too much.\u00a0\u00a0 The doctors said I can expect a few kilos of bloating alone, but \u2026 argh!<\/p>\n

I wish I was losing, but with everything that is going on I am barely managing to maintain.\u00a0 I know these treatments won\u2019t go on for ever, so if it ends and I\u2019m not pregnant I will be able to concentrate fully on the weight loss.\u00a0 Will I really be able to do that though?\u00a0 Knowing that any hope I had of having a child is gone for sure?<\/p>\n

What if I do get pregnant, there will definitely be gaining then.\u00a0 Not loads necessarily but I know that any will feel like shit.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a difficult balance, the medications and trying to keep a handle on my weight.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure how much longer I will be able to do it.\u00a0 Each month I feel myself slipping more and more.\u00a0 Is it because each month the drugs are getting more intense or because I\u2019m getting worn down?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure I\u2019ll ever know, I just hope when all is said and done and I look in the mirror that I don\u2019t see that same fat face looking back at me that I saw two years ago<\/a>.\u00a0 I miss feeling proud and excited about my weight loss, I really<\/em> want to feel that way again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In order to start with my fertility treatments I had to lose over 80 lbs.\u00a0 Here in the Netherlands they won\u2019t give you hormone treatments unless you are beneath a certain BMI, due to the risk of hypertension and other complications.\u00a0 I did really well for about 1.5 years, but I had no idea how …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6420,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,19],"tags":[87,181,16,57,877,382],"class_list":["post-6419","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","","category-tantrums-rants","category-weightloss","tag-food","tag-frustration","tag-project-baby","tag-rants","tag-weightloss","tag-weight-woes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6419","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6419"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6419\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6422,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6419\/revisions\/6422"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6420"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6419"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6419"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6419"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}