{"id":6317,"date":"2011-02-17T22:20:49","date_gmt":"2011-02-17T21:20:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/?p=6317"},"modified":"2011-02-17T22:24:48","modified_gmt":"2011-02-17T21:24:48","slug":"30-days-of-truth-day-28","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/6317","title":{"rendered":"30 Days of Truth: Day 28"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Day28\"<\/a>
\nIf I got someone pregnant, I would be rich.\u00a0 The first female to ever get someone else pregnant\u2026 can you imagine what Oprah would pay for that story?<\/p>\n

If I were pregnant, I would be over the moon.\u00a0 More than over the moon, I\u2019d be in shock.\u00a0 So much so that I probably would have a hard time believing it was true.<\/p>\n

When I started this 30 Days of Truth, this question stood out to me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve spent the last 28 days trying to figure out how I would answer.\u00a0 Would I brush over it and try to be funny or would I be honest?\u00a0\u00a0 Brushing over it would be pretty easy, the funny thing isn\u2019t that difficult.<\/p>\n

Being honest?\u00a0 That\u2019s another story\u2026 because it means getting really personal.<\/p>\n

I know, you are thinking that getting personal really isn\u2019t an issue for me seeing as I always just sort of lay it all out there, but there are some things I haven\u2019t been talking about.\u00a0 This is one of them, the baby issue.<\/p>\n

Ok, I admit it\u2026 it\u2019s been killing me not to write about it because I\u2019m quite an open book and my blog is like a friend to me. A friend I can talk to who never answers, just listens.\u00a0 It has no emotional investment or need to try to say something to make things better.\u00a0 It\u2019s just there.<\/p>\n

The problem is, I know that standing behind this \u2018friend\u2019 are hundreds of other people.\u00a0 Some friends, some not, some that\u00a0 I\u2019m not entirely comfortable with sharing something this personal with.\u00a0 So I\u2019ve held back.<\/p>\n

I need that outlet though, I really do\u2026 and that\u2019s why I\u2019ve decided to go with honesty on this one.\u00a0\u00a0 Also because I think it\u2019s sort of fate that THIS <\/em>question came on THIS <\/em>day.<\/p>\n

Today I had an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination)\u2026 what you\u2019d probably know better as Artificial Insemination<\/a>.\u00a0 This is the fourth that I\u2019ve had, the first three not being successful.\u00a0 This has been a long day for me and having this question come at the end sort of makes me \u2026 roll my eyes and sigh.<\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, together for 12.\u00a0 We have never tried to prevent pregnancy, and long time readers may remember a period of 3-4 years a while back where we were trying to conceive<\/a>.\u00a0 I was more open about it back then as I was younger and wasn\u2019t really aware of what was in store for me when it didn\u2019t work.\u00a0\u00a0 I had every test imaginable, my husband was tested, we tried everything we were told to do from charting to temperatures, ovulation tests\u2026 the whole works.\u00a0 Nothing happened.<\/p>\n

After four years, I was completely defeated and broken down mentally.\u00a0 This didn\u2019t improve when my doctors told me I would probably never have a child naturally and before they would agree to help me with any procedures, I would have to lose a significant amount of weight as the risk factors with all the hormones were too great.<\/p>\n

I was very sad and wasn\u2019t at all up to the task.\u00a0 My husband and I decided it was time to step away from the baby issue to give me a chance to get my head back together.\u00a0 That we needed some time just for US, as having spent so long with our lives revolving around trying to have a child took it\u2019s toll on us as a couple as well.<\/p>\n

The last three or four years I\u2019ve basically spent trying to convince myself that I didn\u2019t want children anyway.\u00a0 What other choice do you have when something seems so far out of reach?\u00a0 When I\u2019d see someone with a screaming child I\u2019d tell myself Wow, glad I dodged that bullet!!<\/em> and I reminded myself again and again how happy I was to still have my freedom.\u00a0\u00a0 It was what I had to do to make myself ok with it, and I almost had myself convinced.<\/p>\n

Unless you\u2019ve ever lived inside the brain of a woman who suffers from infertility, there is no way to understand what we need to do to get by\u2026 there\u2019s no real point in trying.<\/p>\n

Anyhow, fast forward to last summer, I\u2019m sitting in my doctor\u2019s office on a totally unrelated matter.\u00a0 I had lost 50lbs and he was congratulating me\u2026 then the conversation turned.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been a while since we discussed the baby issue, where do you stand with that?<\/p>\n

Well, we\u2019ve just sort of been leaving it alone for now\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Ok, if you don\u2019t want children that\u2019s fine, but if you do TICKTOCK GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!<\/p>\n

He may not have actually said tick tock, but he did make comments about how I was 35 now and if I ever did want to get the help I needed to have children, I had to get the rest of the required weight off and get back to my fertility specialist and sort it out.<\/p>\n

Hello, hard cold slap of reality.\u00a0 Nice to see you again.<\/p>\n

Xander and I went home that day and we talked.<\/p>\n

We continued to talk the next day.<\/p>\n

We talked for a lot of days, figuring out what we really wanted, how we felt about GOING THERE<\/em><\/strong> again\u2026 to that place that had nearly broken me before.\u00a0 Trying to get pregnant.\u00a0 Did we really want all that stress in our lives again?\u00a0 Could I handle the disappointment?\u00a0 Do we really <\/em>want a child?!<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what I knew\u2026 I couldn\u2019t NOT try.\u00a0 I knew that the thing that had been holding me back was fear.\u00a0 The fear of it not working and spending the rest of my life without a child.\u00a0 The fear of what that would do to me mentally and how it would affect our marriage.<\/p>\n

You know what scared me more than that?\u00a0 How I\u2019d feel if I one day found myself 45 years old, with my childbearing years gone past and wondering what if\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Xander agreed, and that is when we decided to go ahead with it.<\/p>\n

So, I continued to bust my ass to lose the rest of the required weight.\u00a0 and in August I saw my fertility specialist again for the first time in almost four years.\u00a0 We made a plan. I would continue to lose weight and try to get to the goal they had set for me, and I would come see her again in three months to catch up, then maybe after that appointment they\u2019d consider starting fertility procedures around six month after.<\/p>\n

Three months went by, and in late November I went to see her for the checkup.\u00a0 I was much closer to my goal weight and much to my surprise I didn\u2019t have to wait another six months as she had originally thought.\u00a0 She told me that she had made an agreement with the rest of the team of doctors that because I\u2019d lost so much weight (85 lbs) and was so close to the goal, they would begin with IUI the following month. \u00a0If that didn’t work after 6 cycles, they would move on to IVF<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I broke down in tears in her office.<\/p>\n

I cried while making the next appointment with the receptionist.<\/p>\n

I cried the whole way home.<\/p>\n

I was so proud of myself for losing the weight, making the effort and finally getting the help I need.<\/p>\n

Oh, and I was scared shitless.<\/p>\n

My first IUI was a week to the day after my gallbladder surgery<\/a>.\u00a0 It was incredibly stressful having the surgery, trying to recover from that, organize Christmas, get presents sorted and ready to be shipped out, stick to my diet and have all that came with the fertility treatments on top of it.\u00a0 December was a write-off for me and I\u2019m still not sure how I made it through.<\/p>\n

January and most of February have revolved around these treatments.\u00a0 Doctors visits, multiple hospital visits each month for ultrasounds and injections and even having to start giving myself daily injections this month.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a major roller coaster ride for me emotionally, mostly due to the hormones but also the stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and a multitude of other emotions all flooding me at once.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve kept this all quiet over the last three to four months mostly because I felt I needed to get my own head around it first.\u00a0 Also, it\u2019s not something I always want to talk about.\u00a0 I don\u2019t\u2019 want people always asking if I\u2019m pregnant yet, how I\u2019m feeling or what\u2019s going on.\u00a0\u00a0 Not that I don\u2019t appreciate people\u2019s concern but I live so much in my own head at the moment that sometimes when I actually manage to do something else or think of something else, I don\u2019t like to be pulled back into talking about it right at that moment.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I\u2019ve decided to start blogging about it\u2026 because I come here and talk about it when I want to, in the way that I want to.\u00a0 There are things I would write on this blog that I wouldn\u2019t say to friends or family, because it\u2019s one thing to sit here in the dark, crying and writing something on my blog\u2026 it\u2019s another to sit there sobbing in front of people, regardless of how close we are or how much I know they love me.<\/p>\n

My family and friends that I\u2019ve shared this with over the past few months have been incredibly supportive, and I love them for it.\u00a0 I know that none of them really understand what I am going through and often aren\u2019t sure what to say to make me feel better, but that\u2019s the thing\u2026 there\u2019s nothing anyone can say.\u00a0 It\u2019s something I have to go through and get<\/em> through and there isn\u2019t anything that will make it feel better unless it actually works.<\/p>\n

That is when I will feel better\u2026 the day that I see that + sign.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m not saying that I live in a funk every day of the week, all month long.\u00a0 I have been getting out with friends, having a good time and trying to go on with life like normal. I can\u2019t deny that the majority of my thoughts are completely entangled in what we are going through at the moment though.<\/p>\n

So, what if I was pregnant?\u00a0 Ha\u2026 I can\u2019t even imagine it.<\/p>\n

No, that\u2019s a lie\u2026 I imagine it every day, a million times a day.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t imagine it ever being real.<\/p>\n

That is my honest answer to this 30 Days of Truth question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If I got someone pregnant, I would be rich.\u00a0 The first female to ever get someone else pregnant\u2026 can you imagine what Oprah would pay for that story? If I were pregnant, I would be over the moon.\u00a0 More than over the moon, I\u2019d be in shock.\u00a0 So much so that I probably would have …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6318,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,2],"tags":[553,181,16],"class_list":["post-6317","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","","category-life-in-nl","category-randoms","tag-30-days-of-truth","tag-frustration","tag-project-baby"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6317","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6317"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6320,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6317\/revisions\/6320"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6318"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}