{"id":5918,"date":"2011-01-14T10:36:39","date_gmt":"2011-01-14T08:36:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/?p=5918"},"modified":"2013-05-08T07:01:31","modified_gmt":"2013-05-08T05:01:31","slug":"confessions-of-a-fat-girl-fat-and-feminine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/archives\/5918","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a Fat Girl: Fat and Feminine?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Nails\"<\/a><\/p>\n

These are my nails, fake ones.\u00a0 Pretty, aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 I got them done at Nagelstudio Ellen<\/a> in Barendrecht and I couldn\u2019t be happier with them. She is awesome, she also took the photos.\u00a0 Check out the swirlys, cute huh?<\/p>\n

You may be wondering why I got acrylic nails. I mean, that\u2019s a little lush for a housewife, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 A bit extravagant? Maybe even a bit silly?\u00a0 Not really. They are my gift to myself for continuing to lose weight and get closer to my goals. Something I can have every day to look at, feel pretty and smile.\u00a0 I really need that, and here\u2019s why\u2026<\/p>\n

Remember a while back when I did the Confessions of a Fat Girl<\/a> post?\u00a0 That was my coming out, when I stopped feeling ashamed of who I was and decided to own my weight.\u00a0 It was so liberating and I felt so<\/em> good afterwards.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to believe that was \u2018almost 40 lbs ago\u2019, which if funny, looking at time in terms of weight but that\u2019s sort of how it is when you have a long road of weight loss before (and behind) you.<\/p>\n

One thing I didn\u2019t really go into was the fat and feminine issue.<\/p>\n

What is the fat and feminine issue?\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s an issue of mine, which took up residence in my head a long time ago and no matter how many times I tried to evict it, it just won\u2019t leave. I can\u2019t speak for all women who are overweight, because I know many don\u2019t have this problem.\u00a0 I see them every day, bigger women who are so pretty and look so lovely and feminine.\u00a0 I can only speak for myself, but I was never one of them. I didn\u2019t get the invitation to the club or something, and even if I had, I wouldn\u2019t have shown up because I\u2019d have been convinced they sent it to the wrong address.<\/p>\n

The fat and feminine issue I have is that, for me, they have never gone together.\u00a0 As long as I\u2019ve been fat, I\u2019ve never felt pretty or feminine.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to truly feel like a woman when you weigh more than most men you know\u2026 or at least that\u2019s been the case for me.\u00a0 Wearing heels or skirts, anything that sparkles, carrying a girlie bag or painting my nails\u2026 I\u2019ve always felt like a drag queen, or like a child trying to dress up in mommy\u2019s clothes.\u00a0 For years I didn\u2019t even wear makeup because I thought I looked ridiculous, like a clown.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always been a bit of a tomboy at heart and have never really gone for the uber girlie stuff.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had better relationships with men than with women, I\u2019ve preferred to shop for gadgets than shoes and I secretly get more pleasure out of watching action or sci fi movies than romantic ones.\u00a0 That has never stopped me from wanting to feel feminine, or be feminine\u2026 my weight has.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a very difficult thing to explain, and as I said, it may just be me.\u00a0 There are a heaping crapload of insecurities that often come along with weight issues and this is just one of mine.<\/p>\n

Weighing over 300 lbs, as I did just over a year ago, I didn\u2019t have a lot of selection when it came to clothes.\u00a0 I basically bought what fit and tried not to worry about if it looked good because in my mind, nothing looked good then, nothing felt<\/em> good.\u00a0 As long as it fit, wasn\u2019t too expensive and wasn\u2019t damaged, I took it because I had no idea when I was going to find something to fit me again.\u00a0 I can\u2019t remember one single time in a period of about 4-5 years when I looked in the mirror and thought I looked good, even in brand new clothes.<\/p>\n

Every time I\u2019d get dressed to go out and see people or do things, I left wishing I could feel like that and worrying about how I looked.\u00a0 I\u2019d sometimes be uncomfortable because the things that fit didn\u2019t fit the way I\u2019d like, but I had to accept it anyway\u2026 or if it was<\/em> comfortable, it was something that made me feel so frumpy that it just compounded the negative feelings I had about how I looked.<\/p>\n

For years I didn\u2019t even bother cutting my hair, it had grown to my ass and other than changing the color I didn\u2019t do anything with it.\u00a0 Later I tried and had it various lengths but it didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 Regardless of what I did, I always felt like I had a teeny tiny head on a great big body.\u00a0 So, I just stopped bothering.\u00a0 I washed it, brushed it and it was done.<\/p>\n

I would buy makeup, just to have it sit in a bag for two years between uses. Whenever I\u2019d put makeup on I felt like a little girl sitting in front of mommy\u2019s mirror putting on her lipstick.\u00a0 I\u2019d put it on, look at myself and see someone trying to be something they\u2019re not, and wipe most of it off.\u00a0 Then leave the house looking like I\u2019d never done it in the first place.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t feel like it belonged, like those women who put bracelets and necklaces on newborns or hats and sunglasses on their dogs.\u00a0 It just looked\u2026 wrong.<\/p>\n

So, what could I do other than try to make the best of it?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want people to know I had all these things going on in my head or that I wanted all those things but didn\u2019t feel like I could have them.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t any of those things so what could I do other than try to make it appear like it was by choice?<\/p>\n

I always had a boyish side to me, but so do a lot of women who do wear makeup and heels without feeling like fools.\u00a0 So that\u2019s who I became.\u00a0 I was Tammy, the jeans and t-shirt, no fuss no muss kinda gal.\u00a0 You want someone who can be ready in 5 minutes flat?\u00a0 I\u2019m your girl!\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry, I will never bug you to go shoe shopping!<\/p>\n

What nobody knew was that I always wanted to be something else but just felt like I didn\u2019t deserve it.\u00a0 I was lazy, fat, and disgusting, and no amount hair gel or makeup was going to hide that.<\/p>\n

So, this is one of the things I\u2019ve been working on during this weight loss journey.\u00a0 There used to be a part of me that felt at least a little pretty and feminine, but it was a very short period of time many years ago.\u00a0 She used to live in a beautifully decorated little area in my brain, but then the fat insecure bitch threw her out and started squatting in her flat.\u00a0 She painted all the walls black and shits on the floor like a savage.\u00a0 In the past year I\u2019ve been working on housebreaking her, and it\u2019s going pretty well.\u00a0 Any day now I should be able to repaint the walls.<\/p>\n

Basically, I\u2019m trying to learn to give a shit.\u00a0 I try to look in the mirror and see something less like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock<\/a> and more like, shit.. I dunno, the me I want to be, I guess.\u00a0 It\u2019s working, little by little.\u00a0 Sometimes I leave the house thinking I actually look ok, which is a long way from how I felt this time two years ago.\u00a0 Sometimes I even catch a glimpse of that part of me I used to know all those years ago and it gives me hope.\u00a0 It gives me the motivation to keep going because with each pound I lose I get closer and closer to being<\/em> her again.<\/p>\n

I wear makeup more now, not a lot but enough to look like I\u2019m wearing it, without feeling like a clown.<\/p>\n

I buy clothes because I like them and I like the way I look and feel in them, not just because they are there and they fit.\u00a0 I have more choice now and that gives me the ability to think about my style, if I even have one at all.\u00a0 That\u2019s something I\u2019ve not had in a long time.<\/p>\n

I bought a pair of boots with heels.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say I feel entirely comfortable in them, I still feel like I\u2019m going to go face down at any moment, but I FEEL GOOD when I wear them. I feel taller, prouder,more feminine and all I can do is hope that if I do topple over one day that I do it with a little bit of grace. I may even buy more one day. Practice makes perfect, right?<\/p>\n

I am trying to learn to accessorize. I know when people think of me they think of jewelry in terms of piercings, but that\u2019s different. You can wear those with anything.\u00a0 I like jewelry and one day I want to be confident enough to be that girl that wears the big clunky jewelry and is all like \u201cYA, my necklace is HUGE, what of it bitch?!\u201d\u00a0 Rather than the \u201coh shit I look like I have a life preserver around my neck, what was I thinking?!\u201d type that I am now.\u00a0 I\u2019m the girl who wears something out and then stuffs it in my purse just before I get there because I think it looks silly.<\/p>\n

One day, I want to wear a cute little sundress and feel like I belong in it. You know, that confident girl who strides down the street looking cool and care free.\u00a0 Right now I\u2019m the girl who would be fretting about my thighs rubbing together under there, how flabby my arms are, not wanting people to see my armpits (who am I kidding, I will always be that girl<\/a>), and still sweating like a pig just out of the anxiety of the whole situation.\u00a0 It\u2019s just not a situation where I could, you know\u2026 fake it till I make it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s going to be a long road to recovery on this one, but I\u2019ll get there one day.\u00a0 I envy women who can feel feminine and pretty regardless of their weight, I really do.\u00a0 I know they are out there because I see them every day, or at least I think I do. Perhaps some of these women feel silly too but wear those things anyway, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I think I secretly hope they do, just so I know I\u2019m not alone.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

So yeah, what is more girlie and feminine than having nice, long, beautiful nails?\u00a0 It\u2019s the one thing I CAN fake.\u00a0 I can go to a lady with my short, weak, constantly jagged and hooking on every sweater fingernails and leave with long, beautiful girl-talons.\u00a0 Ok, so I still refuse to get any non-subtle color or god forbid, glitter\u2026 but it\u2019s a start.<\/p>\n

To some it might seem like a silly thing to do, but for me it means something right now.\u00a0 It means I\u2019m trying, I\u2019m making the effort where I can and that matters to me.\u00a0 I work hard every day at staying on track, eating right and getting my head back together, I deserve it.<\/p>\n

Plus, hubby thinks they\u2019re hot.<\/p>\n

He thinks they\u2019d be hotter in red, but dude\u2026 I\u2019m so not ready to go there.<\/p>\n

Maybe purple, I could definitely do purple.<\/p>\n

P.s. Only 5.7 lbs until I reach 90 lbs lost, can’t wait!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

These are my nails, fake ones.\u00a0 Pretty, aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 I got them done at Nagelstudio Ellen in Barendrecht and I couldn\u2019t be happier with them. She is awesome, she also took the photos.\u00a0 Check out the swirlys, cute huh? You may be wondering why I got acrylic nails. I mean, that\u2019s a little lush for …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5919,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[64,614,302,181,550,885,349,877,382],"class_list":["post-5918","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","","category-tantrums-rants","tag-changes","tag-confessions","tag-confusion","tag-frustration","tag-girlie-shit","tag-nails","tag-weight-loss","tag-weightloss","tag-weight-woes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5918","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5918"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5918\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9789,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5918\/revisions\/9789"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5919"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5918"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5918"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.canadutch.nl\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5918"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}