![\"SONY](\"http:\/\/www.breigh.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/134.jpg\" "\\"SONY")
<\/a>\nMe with the drugs I took home from the hospital before our first round of IVF<\/strong><\/p>\n
The amount of drugs I was on during the IVF, the complications I had to deal with, not to mention the disappointment.\u00a0 It was rough. Rough in a way that I can\u2019t put into words.\u00a0 It drained me of every bit of energy I had, every bit of motivation and fucks I had to give for anything.\u00a0 Watching me dealing with the hormones, the pain of some of the procedures (thank you tilted pelvis!) and the sadness took an incredible toll on my husband.\u00a0 We spent the entire year just passing that ball of anguish back and forth, taking turns trying to be strong for each other.<\/p>\n
So where did that land us at the end of the year?<\/p>\n
My husband was on sick \/ stress leave from work, due to the stress of the IVF combined with some serious, extremely badly timed issues with Vertigo.\u00a0 We had two more IUI (eight in total), two egg retrievals and five embryo transfers under our belt \u2013 and no baby.\u00a0 My weight hadn\u2019t budged in a year, except up a kilo or three depending on where I was at in my cycle.<\/p>\n
We were both exhausted, stressed and most of all confused.\u00a0 We really weren\u2019t sure what we wanted anymore or how much farther we wanted to go with it.<\/p>\n
I had my last embryo transfer at the end of 2013 and I was so beaten down by that time that I remember sitting in the car on the way to the transfer, breaking down into tears and telling Xander that I just don\u2019t know how I was going to get the strength to go through with it.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean just the mental strength, but the physical strength as well.\u00a0 Embryo transfers never went well for me.\u00a0 What is normally an uncomfortable but quick procedure for most women, thanks to my wonky placed cervix, was a procedure that had me in extreme pain for at least 20-30 minutes on the table.\u00a0 It would require me to lay perfectly still so I\u2019d have to just bite down and white knuckle it.\u00a0 All of the other times I did fine, and kind of enjoyed the compliments on how well I held it together, but this last time?\u00a0 I managed, but only just.\u00a0 I just had nothing left in me to give and I left that room wondering how I would ever do it again if it didn\u2019t work that time.<\/p>\n It didn\u2019t work\u2026 and we agreed that we would take the Christmas and New Year holidays off and regroup in the new year.\u00a0 We just needed the time and space to relax and gather ourselves before going back into it all again.<\/p>\n I was SO tired.\u00a0 I ended up finding out that I had iron-deficiency anemia due to some blood loss I had during one of my egg retrievals, together with the amount of drugs causing me to have extreme periods each month as well.<\/p>\n It was over the Christmas holidays that we started talking.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even remember who said what, but it was like the floodgates opening.\u00a0 Once it was said out loud, that we weren\u2019t sure if we wanted to continue, it all came pouring out\u2026 all our doubts and fears, how our feelings have gradually changed, that we want different things.<\/p>\n Things suddenly got a lot more confusing!<\/p>\n You see, we are different people now than we were when this all began. Not only are we almost 15 years older, at the point in our lives where most \u2018normal\u2019 people stop wanting to have children, but so much else had changed as well.\u00a0 When I lost the weight, an entirely new world opened up to me. All of these things that were never possible for me because of either my insecurity or physical limitations were now there just waiting for me.<\/p>\n Most of all?\u00a0 Over all the time we\u2019ve spent trying to have a child (the time it\u2019s pretty much taken the rest of our friends to raise<\/em> theirs), we\u2019ve grown to enjoy and appreciate our freedom. Being able to take time for ourselves, stay in our pajamas all day if we want to, go out for dinner or to a movie when we feel like it.<\/p>\n When we were 25 and starting with this journey, if you had asked us if it was worth giving up our freedom and making the necessary sacrifices that come along with a baby, we would have said ABSOLUTELY!<\/p>\n At almost 40?\u00a0 When we got completely <\/em>real with ourselves?\u00a0 The answer was no.<\/p>\n That was hard.\u00a0 Being really honest with ourselves and giving ourselves permission to just not want it anymore was more difficult than you would think, and it certainly didn\u2019t happen overnight.\u00a0 It happened after many long, honest talks between the two of us, as well as a number of discussions with the therapist at our IVF clinic.<\/p>\n You\u2019d be surprised how hard it is to let go of something, even if you don\u2019t really want it anymore.\u00a0 The time you\u2019ve invested in it and the momentum you\u2019ve built up almost feels like it is carrying you away with it regardless.\u00a0 After so many years of planning, tracking things, daydreaming and everything else, you almost become like Pavlov\u2019s Dog.\u00a0 Everything is an automated response that happens without you really thinking.\u00a0 Your brain tells you what you want and you respond accordingly.<\/p>\n<\/a>
\nI won\u2019t miss having to do this every day, not a single bit!<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>
\nA self portrait I made in 2013 showing how crazy and isolated infertility can make you feel.<\/strong><\/p>\n