Off With Their Shoes!!

shoes

There are a few cultural differences that become glaringly obvious when you move to a new country.  For me, one of of them has been the issue of taking off shoes when you enter someone’s home.  I would make a sweeping statement about how in Canada everyone takes off their shoes when they enter the house, but after the bagged milk thing, I realize not everything is as widely Canadian as I thought.  So I will say, where I come from in Canada, the first thing you do when you walk through the door, is take off your shoes. 

I was recently reminded of this after seeing a discussion about it on Gawker, where the author was outraged that people had a party and asked their guests to remove their shoes at the door.  Even though they gave prior notice on the invitation and even had little slippers for people to wear.  Seriously, what more do people want?

Growing up I was taught to never wear my shoes in someone’s house.  It’s considered to be VERY rude.  If I ran in the house after playing and forgot to take my shoes off, my mother would be on me like white on rice… and even though my father seemed to forget quite frequently, for the 21 years I lived with them she never failed to remind him to get his ass into the porch and take off his shoes.  I think she would have had a cardiac arrest right on the spot if I ever tried to pull that at someone else’s house, because it would mean she had given birth to a little barbarian with no manners to speak of. 

It is still so deep within me that, to this day, I am absolutely incapable of entering someone else’s house without taking my shoes off.  When we go to friends they often look at me weird and tell me I don’t have to take them off, but I’m like… oh yes, I do… I so do.

I pondered that maybe we started this because of the nasty weather we get in Canada.  That people don’t want us tromping through their houses with dirt and snow all over our boots, but I don’t think that’s it.   Here in the Netherlands it is not the norm to remove your shoes, even though this country is quite often wet and dirty.  That’s not even mentioning the ridiculous amount of dog shit on the foot paths here.  So if it were something that came to be because of dirty shoes, I think that definitely would have happened here as well.

I have been living in the Netherlands for 10 years now and my brain still never fails to crack and twitch every time someone enters my home without removing their shoes.  I watch them come in with their dirty, wet shoes and walk up the hall, into my living room and onto my sofa.  I once even saw a friend put their feet up on my new footstool (with their shoes on)… which almost gave me a stroke.  Year after year, visitor after visitor, I’ve bitten my tongue and tried to adapt.  That’s just how people do things here and I have never wanted to be the weirdo who asks people to take off their shoes.  

Until recently…

I eventually just said the hell with it and when having a gathering this winter I asked people to take them off.  We had children here and with tile floors and wet weather things could get slippery pretty quick.  Nobody seemed to mind, or at least they didn’t say anything to my face.

It can be such a fine balance at times when you try to accept new cultures, especially when it’s so blatantly going against your own.  When you are brought up to behave in a certain way and believe certain things, even with something as simple as removing your shoes, it’s very difficult to change just because of a change in location.  It can be confusing at times to decide when it’s good to hold on to your own cultures without appearing to be stubborn or refusing to adapt.

I’ve thought a lot about this issue after seeing some other Canadian friends of mine complaining about people here barging into their house with their shoes on.  Then again after reading the article on Gawker and realizing it’s not just an issue of being an expat but also differing opinions among people in their own countries.  Most of the people commenting on the article were in America and their opinions varied quite widely.  Although I did notice that the comments reflected that Canada and Japan appear to feel more strongly about not wearing shoes in the house.

I spent a lot of time not integrating here, and it’s still a work in progress.  I do believe that when I am out among the Dutch I should try harder to speak their language, I should start riding my bike and get out and experience things the Dutch way.  Even though I am not quite there yet, I do think that this is the way I should be living my life.  I live in the Netherlands, it’s up to me to adapt to their way of life in regards to the language and life here in general.

Should that extend to my own home though?  Where is the line?  Should the culture of the country I live in take over in every aspect of my life or is it ok to, at least in part, view my house as a sort of sanctuary.  A bit of Canadian soil in the Netherlands, so to speak… where I can live comfortably by my own beliefs and cultures.

I’m really curious about this, because the bigger part of me wants to say “Oh HELL TO THE NO!  This is MAH house and if you don’t like it you can getthefuckout!!” but then there’s the other side of me who doesn’t want to create an issue, recognizes that it’s really not such a big deal and thinks, just shut up and mop up after them when they leave.

What do you think? 

Where are you from?  Do you take your shoes off when you enter someone else’s house?  Do you think it’s rude not to, or that it’s rude of them to ask you to?

Are you an Expat in NL who has come across this issue?  An expat in another country who experienced this?

This inquiring mind wants to know!

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30 comments

  1. I also could not imagine being inside a home with my shoes on, unless it’s a party and I have “inside shoes” for that.

    Your home is your territory and you have the full right to make your guests abide by the rules in your home. What I suggest you do, is use your awesome cross stitching talents to make a very friendly looking “Take your shoes off please” sign, and place it in such a clear and blatant place at the entrance that people have to notice it. That way most will do so and the ones that don’t, well you can just cough at them and point at the sign with the lovelies smile on your face ;-).

  2. I have German/Austrian background, raised in Canada and I’ve had both kinds of situations. In my parents’ house it was always TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE! At friends’ houses it could go either way. Personally, I like my house clean so we take off our shoes. And winter just makes it more obviously necessary. My German relatives, hmmm, can’t really remember what they do, but I think it’s off. Oh yeah, my aunt still does it, so definitely off. So I’d say it’s not even culture clash. It’s family clash.

  3. Hmmm, I grew up in Austria and at our home we would always take off our shoes before entering (that’s what we have those little guest slippers for). It was the same at most of my friends’ houses, so it’s not just because I’m asian (in Asia you always take your shoes off – period). Sometimes people would tell me that it’s o.k. to leave the shoes on, but I think they did it, because they wanted to be polite.

    So when I moved to Canada a couple years ago, I wouldn’t think much about it. My husband said, it’s usual, because of the fact that everybody has a carpet at home and it’s common sense to take off your shoes, considering the icky weather in Alberta.

    I thought in most European urban areas it would even make more sense, because of the piles of dog poo on the streets and the fact that some people use the elevators at the subway stations to relieve themselves. Ewwww.

    So, if I were you, I would just remind people to take their shoes off. I just ask them when they come in, if they need some warm slippers (*hint*, *hint*). They cannot really be like: “Oh, no, thank you. I just leave my dirty shoes on.”, right?
    Oh, well, wrong…I used to know people who are THAT rude, but thank goodness they didn’t come over that often.

    After being in Europe for so long, you probably noticed that Europeans can be quite rude (at least where I come from), but they don’t really realize it anymore, because it’s so common, so it doesn’t count as rude. *LOL*

  4. Well now I know why it felt so awkward when we’d all be removing our shoes and our Dutch relatives would be like, “No no, keep them on!” But they’d mostly visited Canada before and knew we’d be weird.

  5. Long time no speak Tammy :)

    I’ve always had a big issue with people who wont remove their shoes when they come visit my place. I could really recognize myself in your post, even though I’m way more blunt then you are.

    When I was a kid, throwing parties at home when my parents were out, I couldent care less about glasses or carpets, but I always made sure everyone took their shoes off.

    I always get grumpy when people just walk straight in with their shoes on, no matter the weather.

    I feel stupid if I walk in with my shoes into someone elses house, forcing them to mop up after me and I almost take it as an insult when people do it in my apartment, as I have to mop up after them once they leave.

    I’ve had several heated arguments about this with friends but I like to think that I made myself very clear by now so the first thing everyone does when they come to my apartment, is to take off their shoes :)

    Dont be afraid to tell people. I dont invite them over just so I can mop the floor once they leave.

  6. I may live in the netherlands but I keep an american home. I dont allow shoes in the house where the kids are concerned but I dont ask anyone to take their shoes off when coming into the house. However I noticed that if the weather is bad they will ask if they should take them off. I noticed all dutch kdis that come here take their shoes off right away. Edwin hates walking around with just socks on so he is always in either shoes or house shoes..wich is the same for me..gotta have slippers
    .-= Sonya´s last blog ..Drop Biscuits =-.

  7. Well, I’m from Venezuela. We don’t have that particular custom. If the weather outside is nasty, we do have the common sense to take our shoes off at the door. But we don’t do it as a rule, and nobody really asks you to do it.

    However, this one friend of my mom. She comes from a wealthy family, and she has her own home, now. When we visit her parents, we get to keep our shoes. But the one time we went up to her house, she asked us to take our shoes off at the door. Which my mom and I did without issue, didn’t really question it, either. It’s her home, her rules, I guess. I don’t see the problem with it.

    I guess my point is, our culture in regards to that is more like the Dutch… But it also shouldn’t be a problem when people in their own home ask you to remove their shoes at the door.

    I was just thinking about being in a Dutch home for 3 months… I never actually wore my shoes in the house. Nobody asked that of me, but my boyfriend would take his shoes off at the coffee table and leave them under it. His parents would do the same. So, just randomly, I would take my shoes at the back door and put them next to all the other pairs of shoes next to the kitchen, lol. I actually felt weird when I had my shoes on inside because I was ready to go out. :P His mom ended up buying me a pair of slippers and crocs for my birthday, she didn’t want me walking around in socks, although for her own son it is acceptable. Weird. :P

    At home I am always using flip flops, but I get to my room and take my shoes off here.

    • Sounds like she likes you Gaby! Are you still with the Dutch guy? Is that why you are so keen to move here?

      • Yeah, I think she likes me, too! Which gives me some peace of mind. ;)

        Yeah, we are still together. Engaged, now. And yes, that’s why I’m planning on moving there. The Netherlands is a wonderful country, but if I lacked a greater motive, I wouldn’t bother with all the trouble the immigratie en naturalisatiedienst will make me go through!

  8. When I was younger we had a shoe’s off rule but now she isn’t as picky in her home (with three dogs, a cat and a husband that worked a life time in asphalt). I always demanded that shoe’s must come off at the door in my home. I wash the floor and I do not want to wash it every day if I don’t have to. My kids know that the first thing they do is take off their shoes no matter what. My in-laws *rolls eyes* I could tell them till I am blue in the face and they just don’t get the obsession I have.
    If I host a party, I don’t care – I don’t expect everyone to take off their shoes but if I have one visitor then I kinda wish they would at least ask (as I do every time I enter their house).
    It was so nice a few weeks ago when my youngest daughter invited her friend over. Her mother (who is Muslim) had her daughters shoes off before they were even in the house. I wish all of my children friends were like this.
    .-= Candee´s last blog ..Music Was my First Love… =-.

  9. originally from nova scotia, canada…

    hells no! no shoes in the house! my mom would nail my butt up to the rail if i forgot that rule too. after spending time in asia she, too, started with a basket of slippers for the guests, but there is no time i remember shoes in the house being ok…and we only had carpet in limited areas of the house.

    nope, nope. i’m actually sitting here – literally trying to imagine walking through my house with my boots – and it’s making me physically uncomfortable. that niggling-type thing at the back of your mind.

    must. think. of. something. else!
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Olympic news and a Welcome to the Sun… =-.

    • Hey another Nova Scotian!! I’m from near Sydney in Cape Breton (North Sydney). See you get what I mean about it just being IN you now. If I could tell myself “Ok just don’t care now please” and have it happen, I totally would. Maybe the difference is that in Canada we actually HAD porches. So there was a separate area where you walk in and remove shoes and jackets before entering the house. Here, it’s sort of like once you are in, you’re in :P

  10. My take on this.. I have many friends who have this no-shoe policy at their home, and I’m fine with it, I mean their house, their rules, and I take off my shoes at most other peoples houses (if I see a pile of shoes beside the door, and the’re in slippers, their policy is clear).
    But in my own home.. rarely.. I’ve only just bought a pair of slippers to wear around the house.. (which I actually bought because I was staying with someone who had the no-shoe rule).
    Anyways, my house, do whatever pleases you, I have no doormat either, but it’s all tiles and parquet so easy to clean.

    Oh, and for the other people who commented, I’m in France. (dutch ex-pat)

    • You’re right, the tiles make it much easier. I’ve also (barring 1-2 incidents with workmen coming in for something) never had someone track stuff into the house. It’s just like Pavlov’s dog. I see shoes in the house and I have an instant reaction. I wish I could make it stop because I don’t REALLY care about the floors that much as they are easy to wipe.

  11. I’m a Canadian expat living in Vietnam, and while it is the cultural norm to remove shoes here, I am soooo grateful that it is. I was raised just like you (in Saskatchewan, so it does appear to span at least most of the country) – not removing your shoes is pretty much the height of uncouth behavior.

    As for the point of cultural sensitivity, I do agree that when living in a different culture there are some things that are very difficult to adjust to, but it is necessary to do so. I don’t think this situation is one of them. For me, even more than that I think it’s impolite in theory, there’s property to think about. If you have a carpet, ewwwww. How are you going to keep that clean?

    I don’t think it’s impolite, nor do I think that it’s culturally insensitive, to maintain a tidy home! And I should imagine that the people that come to your home are close enough acquaintances to just ask about it if they feel it’s really odd. Just my two cents!

    • Wow, I think Veitnam may be even more of an adjustment than here!

      The weird thing is, I’m not even that great a housekeeper and it’s not the dirt that bothers me. It’s just so ingrained into me after years of being told “You don’t go in the house with your shoes on!!” that even though I’m not really all that concerned with people making the floor dirty, it STILL makes me crazy.

      To be honest, with the 2 dogs and the cat, my floors may make their socks more dirty than their shoes will do to my floor! :P

  12. I remember taking off my shoes at your parents’ door countless times and your mother did not like it when we took one step out of the porch with the shoes (whether it was dry outside or not). I think my own parents would have had a stroke if we had worn our shoes into the house. LOL I don’t see there being anything wrong with asking people to take their shoes off at the door. Its your home and you take pride in how your home looks (no matter what nationality you are or where you’re living now). If they really need to have something on their feet, then have a basket accessible with some slippers or something comparable for them. I don’t see it as being one way or another. For me, its your home and your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. Would you allow people to set wet glasses down on your new coffee table just because they weren’t all that familiar with the concept of a coaster? I wouldn’t. ;)

    • EVERYONE took their shoes off at my mother’s house, we still do! I’m starting to wonder if they gave some sort of shoe brainwashes courses down at Seton that we didn’t know about! All our moms from NS seemed to have attended.

  13. I think one thing that bugs me more than when friends come, is when people come to work on something. Plumbers, the TV guy, the dude who checks the radiators. They come in with their big wet boots and stomp all over your house. That’s the one that REALLY gets me.

  14. Haha Penny’s comment raised an interesting SATC point. If I was wearing my Manolo Bla’s I would probably have to make do with sitting on the stairs outside your door for the entire visit. Ain’t no way (if I actually owned a pair) they’re comin off! Hee!

    • I’m not sure anyone who owns shoes that expensive would be coming around my house much anyway. haha Unless it was to give me a makeover or something :P

  15. Ooops! I didn’t remove my shoes the last time I came to your house. It’s not something I am used to unless the weather is really bad and shoes are dirty.
    I don’t mind if people don’t take them off in our house as long as they have wiped their feet at the door and their shoes are clean because as you know we have an impractical beige carpet. I would love tiles or wood, then I really wouldn’t be bothered.
    It is definately your right to choose and you shouldn’t be afraid to tell people what goes in your house so I wouldn’t worry about what the Dutch do. Now if you lived in Japan that might be a bit different as it’s an important part of their culture (and protects the Tatami floor a lot of houses have). It is considered very offensive not to take your shoes off even in some shops and restaurants. They do, however, provide little cute Japanese slippers which are novel to wear. Hey maybe you should get some of those and put them by your door as a subtle (not) hint to visitors, haha.

    • now now, you girls are getting all worried that I was secretly giving you the stink eye when ya’s were here, that’s not the case at all haha I’m trying to get over it as well, as it’d just be easier not to care.
      I never thought of the little slippers thing, but wouldn’t people feel weird wearing slippers that they didn’t know who else wore them?

      That’s another thing, we have tiles so it’s also vastly different than back in Canada where (when I lived there) everything was carpeted. That may have also been a reason they were so strict about it. I’ve never really had anyone track a mess through the house, it’s just like I’ve been brainwashed or something and can’t let it go :P

  16. Here’s another twist… I like you was raised to remove my shoes in someone’s home, and yet I often do not take my shoes off in my own house, unless they are wet/dirty. Would I keep them on at someone else’s house? Not a chance, not even when they say “oh, don’t worry about your shoes!”. LOL! We all have our hangups. And in your own home, you are definitely entitled to make the rules.

    • I guess sometimes I’d wear mine through the house if I just put them on and then realized I forgot something. Then they don’t feel dirty to me because they haven’t just been outside.

      No way in heck I’m leaving my shoes on in someone else’s house, they’d have to staple them to my feet! haha Even when people say I don’t have to take them off, I always think it’s like how people back home would have said it. They really do want you to take them off but are just trying to be nice!

  17. It is your house and you should do what feels comfortable. Just as long as you realize this custom isn’t always routine for some people. I’d rather have you remind me to take them off, that me sitting in your house while you are thinking evil thoughts about me LOL
    About that guy who was outraged, well he was warned in advanced so he could have chosen not to come. Remind me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie’s shoes get stolen after she is asked to take them off at a birthday party :)

    • I don’t think evil thoughts about people wearing them, it just feels really weird to me. I guess it’d be like someone coming into your house and eating with their hands. You’d be like WTF?! It wouldn’t harm you and you wouldn’t hate them but you’d be like, didn’t your mama ever teach you any manners?! but then you know that where they come from it’s perfectly normal, so you know you gotta kind of get over it too maybe.

      I remember watching that episode of SATC and I was like oh just shut up and take your shoes off! Then again, I don’t have expensive shoes so if someone wanted to steal mine badly enough I could dish out the 20 euro to replace them! haha

  18. Uh, Tammy, there will be no Canadian soil in the Netherlands in your house…except maybe by the front door :-) I do not remove my shoes. Not in my own home and not in someone else’s home. Unless it is yuck weather and I notice I could make a mess on their floors. Then I do.

    I would not feel strange about being asked to take off my shoes. To each his own. I think it is your right in your own home to ask this of guests. And it definitely makes keeping things clean easier for you.

    In Tsjechie, it is an adamant rule that you remove your shoes. Even entering a vacation house for inspection, you are pointed out the basket of slippers waiting for you by the door. They have special slippers just for guests.

    It always seemed weird to me, but that’s just becuase it was something I didn’t know. I do kind of like the idea, though I don’t carry it over into my own home. I didn’t realize that it was also done in Canada. But I do think it is your right to ask that shoes be removed.

    So, do you dry Pixel and Bailey’s paws before they go inside after a walk? Inquiring minds want to know!

    • I can’t imagine wearing shoes around the house. I don’t even like wearing them when I go out. I’m already getting sick of wearing socks (which I never do when I’m home) and can’t wait for flip flop season!

      We keep a little towel by the door that we’ll use to wipe the dogs paws if it’s dirty out. We also have a baby gate at the end of the hall so that we can keep them out of the living room until they have dried off. Well, we initially put it there when pixel was a pup and liked to pee on my sofa, but it’s come so handy we left it up! haha

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